‘Allowing’ Others to Impact Our Self-Esteem… The ideal of not taking others comments, opinions, or judgements personally is our ultimate goal.

How do we accomplish this?

Often when we hear negative comments from others we attach to them and feel that this person can see into our darkest fears and worst image of ourselves. We validate it by taking it personally because once we do this we are declaring that this person is correct.

Now if we shift how we think too: When we take things personally it is an act of selfishness; as we are making the assumption that everything is about ‘me’ (Ruiz, 1997). The result of this thinking is driven by our ego—as we are taking responsibility for everything. Once we shift to this new way of thinking we can see that someone’s comment, opinion, or judgement is a reflection of them, not me.

The start is accepting: Their words—not mine!
 

Ruiz, D (1997) The Four Agreements.

With the changing season, it brings forth the need to acknowledge the change in circumstances. The start of fall signals as a reminder for Grief and Loss, for some; and others it’s a different season, month, date, or time.

Grief and Loss brings forward the process of remembering that person (position, role, or relationship), and how they (or it) impacted you. Remembering that loss but shifting our focus to the positive elements—What I have learned? How I have grown as a result? How it has shifted further relationships for those left?

We are all grieving—as Grief is not only reserved for death. It can be represented through the loss of anything, anyone, any role, or tie. Understanding and recognizing your grief is the first steps to transforming it. Transforming how we hold it and view our ‘new state.’ As grief is something we hold with us for an eternity. It is ever changing and transforming the impact on us, but it never ‘ends’. We are active agents within this and have the ability to assist with this transformation. That leaves the question—what impact do you want this Grief and Loss to have on you?

The pain was necessary to know the truth, but we don’t have to keep the pain alive to keep the truth alive. –Mark Nepo

Perhaps grief is not about empty, but full. The full breath of life that includes death. The completeness, the cycles, the depth, the richness, the process, the continuity and the treasure of the moment that is gone the second you are aware of it.– Alysia Reiner

Every 40 seconds someone dies by suicide! Over 800,000 people die each year by suicide! Suicide is the second leading cause of death for those individuals between the ages 15-29!

Suicide is a lot more than just numbers, statistics, and facts!

Suicide is a complex issue involving numerous factors and should not be attributed to any one single cause. Not all people who die by suicide have been diagnosed with a mental illness and not all people with a mental illness attempt to end their lives by suicide.

People who experience suicidal thoughts and feelings are suffering with tremendous emotional pain. People who have died by suicide typically had overwhelming feelings of hopelessness, despair, and helplessness. Suicide is not about a moral weakness or a character flaw. People considering suicide feel as though their pain will never end and that suicide is the only way to stop the suffering.

Many factors and circumstances can contribute to someone’s decision to end their life. Factors such as loss, addictions, trauma, depression, serious physical illness, and major life changes—can make some people feel overwhelmed and unable to cope. It is important to remember that it isn’t necessarily the nature of the loss or stressor that is as important as the individual’s experience of these things feeling unbearable.

Suicide prevention is all of our responsibility! By reducing the stigma through the language we use, and the support we offer those around us. Our first step towards accomplishing this is through leaving judgement at the door!

How effectively do you believe we communicate as a: Generation? Society? or Species? Overall—the evidence shows that we have vast need for improvement.

Some key steps in addressing  this would be to acknowledge the barriers, remove them (as best as possible), and improve our skills. Resulting in an effective two-way dialogue. 
 
Barriers (not an exhaustive list):

• Judgements (of the situation, person, or self).
• Distractions (environmental, electronic, or internal).
• Inability to understand the other (jumping to conclusions, only listening for what you’re wanting to hear, or giving what you would want rather than what the other needs).

 Skill Improvement (not an exhaustive list):

• Actively being present (body language, non-verbal queues, and acknowledgment).
• Actively listening (allowing space for words-and-silence both equally).
• Not coming to the conversation with an answer or a goal to “FIX” their concern (this action also takes the pressure off of you).

Within the fast pace world that we live we are often looking for quick solutions and want to speed up the process while we are in conflict. The challenge is as we rush things with the mentality of a “quick fix”—we prolong the conflict. As each individual is not getting what they are needing.

Let’s make that commitment to slow down—- by giving the space and time—- which will allow us to remain open in our communication!

Seeing someone at surface level can be completely debilitating (on ourselves and others). As humans we naturally judge our surroundings and those within it, this is innate within us. Built into our survival instincts.

So the question is— how can we use our judgments for the positive rather than viewing people with negativity?

First it is important to understand the other side of our natural judgments. The person you are viewing and placing judgments on, ‘possibility such as less or unfortunate’ is someone’s child, partner, friend, buddy, lifeline, hero, parent, family—- most importantly they are a person. A human-being!

Second comes a shift—Rather than having a critical point of view of others and their circumstances. —- Lets change that to having a genuine inquisitive view point. Being interested in how others overcome obstacles and build their resilience.

Making this shift and devotement will only improve our perspectives of the world and how we interact within it.

Seeing others for more than just the surface. Seeing them for what they are, by overcoming these obstacles, events and heartache.

Giving others the care and support THEY desire, rather than imposing our judgments onto them.

Ponder for a moment if within this world each one of us treated others as they wanted to be treated rather than imposing our perspective and judgement upon them!

Summer is a continuous reminder of growth!—All things surrounding us are growing and developing. This is when reflection is the highest: What have I accomplished? What direction am I headed? This can be an empowering movement but also an overwhelming one.

Take a moment. Breathe.

Rather than overwhelming our minds lets continue to foster this growth in a helpful and supportive way. Being inquisitive rather than demanding on ourselves. Being open to new opportunities rather than needing to know what is coming after each turn.

Allowing our minds to wonder can be a healing reality. It allows us to foster our creativity.

How will you allow yourself to wonder today?

Happiness or Contentment… There are two distinguishing factors when it comes to the difference between Happiness and Contentment:

1. Happiness can fluctuate each moment, but contentment is stable.
2. We tend to seek to increase happiness by adding things (food, excitement, objects, others) but contentment is a skill that allows you to subtract things and still be content.

Next comes the how—how can you build contentment within yourself?

Build self-trust. The only way to fix a lack of trust is by taking small steps. Assess the items that you have control over and that you can enforce a positive change, today.

Notice your ideals. The other challenge for finding contentment is that we are constantly feeling bad about ourselves, because the reality of ourselves does not meet some ideal we hold. The truth is, the reality of ourselves is not bad, it’s only bad in relation to the ideal that we have about ourselves (unrealistic). When we let go of the ideal, we are left with the reality that can be judged as a unique human being who is beautiful in its own way.

Let go of the ideals. Once we notice the ideals, we need to stop comparing ourselves to them. Let it go. The main way to let go of the ideal is to see the pain that it’s causing in yourself.

Give yourself credit where credit is due!—You are worth more than you are accounting for.

When we avoid self-care, wellness, and actively working on ourselves we impact our overall health: Physical, mental, emotional, psychological, and spiritual. Simple acts of taking a walk, observing our surroundings—actively noticing the scenery, accounting for our feelings and mental state (noticing that I am sad, uncomfortable, annoyed), while exploring this impact on our spiritual identity is key! This process sounds complicated but truly acknowledging our wellness is simple.

It starts with calling attention to what is occurring for you overall (body, mind, and spirit). Example: “I am noticing tightness in my shoulders/lower back, I am noticing my mind is racing and acting quickly, I am noticing feeling disconnected from others.” This is the process of naming what is going on for you. Naming it is the beginning to take away the power and steers yourself away from avoidance. Avoidance is a dangerous outcome to get tangled up in.

What will you do today—to start to notice the impacts of your wellness? How will you actively counter avoidance?

Changing the ideal around socialization is key! Could you imagine if we are socialized to love ourselves, acknowledge our goodness, appreciate ourselves, trust who we are, provide confidence in our abilities, find guidance from our heart (and not our overactive minds). Rather than self-judging different circumstances of our behaviours of what we are doing wrong; We need to continue to remain active, mindful, and fight against those urges to self-shame and remain attentive of our successes (not perfection).

Cheri Huber: “There is nothing wrong with you” (2001).

Success equals being open, letting go, receive (gifts, compliments, praise), not judging others, taking credit (when due), and forgiving ourselves and others. Obtainable!
–What is your first step towards Success?